It all started out innocently enough. I ground my wheat...(yes, I own wheat and I know how to grind it...). The big difference today was that this was the FIRST time I have ever tried to tackle the bread thing ALONE. Up until now I could lure my sister Em or Kristin (AKA angel of pain/domestic diva) into doing it for.....err.......with me. I've had a new mixer sitting in the box since MOTHER'S DAY so today was the day. Finally. SO. I'm wearing my darling new apron. The wheat is ground without incident (if you don't count poor Libby wetting herself in sheer terror over the sound of the wheat grinder INCHES away from her...she's one...she wets herself ALL the time...no biggy...:) And, I'm ignoring the fact that I did not have the base secured the the top unit causing some serious flour spray-age...beginner's error... no biggie.
Incident #1
don't ever EVER try to blow the extra trapped flour out the grinder without the motor unit being attached to the base. It nearly knocked me to the floor when I flipped that switch. A lesser woman would have hit the ground. It scared me. I admit that. Once again, no harm done, minus MOMMY wetting herself.
Incident #2
It wasn't until I had blended the flour and yeast that I realized something was amiss. It didn't look right...
hmmmm. usually it's sort of, I don't know, WET by now???
This is when I realized I had started the recipe at the top of the wrong page. My bad...pretty easy fix. Dump out dry, add wet, put honey in microwave to soften, add dry again...and again, no harm done. Mixed AGAIN and ready to go.
Incident #3
Luckily Kristin has taught me to taste the dough. Dough does not taste right with out sweetener. Honey does not sweeten bread from the microwave.
Re-mix bread AGAIN with honey. Start to really get annoyed. A few mormon curse words have definitely escaped my lips at this point.
Notice the dough enhancer on counter. Dough enhancer does not enhance dough from the counter.
Real, non-mormon curse words escape.
Spill a full bottle of milk (for Libby, not me) ALL over the counter.
Expert curses have now come from somewhere deep within me. Untapped, even through child birth, up until now.
Dough is RE-MIXED AGAIN. (if you are counting...it's now mixed for 3x the suggested time.)
At this point I throw that slab of dough out on the counter, hastily rip off chunks and form them into rough loaves, send up a couple Hail Mary's, and toss these evil lumps into the oven to raise and bake. And now...
For some reason I look like I'm seducing my bread more so than actually ingesting it...and never mind the fact that I don't have a scrap of make-up on...but darn it all if that bread didn't turn out alright. I still hate baking...in fact, after today, I loathe it even more so than I did yesterday. My kitchen is a hole.
I have flour in my ear.
14 comments:
Oh honey, I totally feel your pain. The first few times I made bread from scratch, I had to start over about 20 times. My bread tastes okay the first day or two and then goes bad REAL fast. Too dry. Maybe the angel of pain should come help me. And I think you look rather gorgeous making out with the bread. Too bad I can tell you aren't nakey nakey under that darling DARLING apron.
girl, you and i would totally get along in the kitchen. baking infuriates me!! BUT the things that matter: your apron is adorable. YOU are adorable. and you know how to get and dirty with a slice of bread. meeeeeowww!!!
oh tara. you just made me laugh so hard that snot landed on my chin. how in the heck does that happen? i'm going to miss your entertaining sooooo much!
My friend, my friend...at least you make bread. I would not even attempt to do such a thing! Wish I was there eating a big slab of it with you. By the way, love that apron!
Well, I'm glad you've got all these cheerleaders, because I, for one, feel downright betrayed. Tara, how can I rationalize being such a poor excuse for a Mormon woman if my soul sistah is turning a domestic new leaf?!
But at least you look all hot eating your bread. Plus, I relee lik you two.
Your blogs always make me laugh, Tara. :)
I am with Sharla: I'm a poor excuse for a mormon woman. I won't even read the recipe for making bread, let alone attempt it.
My mouth is watering. You get 3 gold stars today!!!
God Bless the American Housewife!!! How do we do it? This reminds me of the time I forgot to put the top on the blender and turned it on. Needless to say when I sold our house, I just painted over the brown splotches on the ceiling and called it good.
We need to get you a box of those astronaut diapers that you can wear while your making your bread all day- might come in handy!
I make huge mistakes all of the time (Like shooting cheese all over the kitchen when I was cooking for girls camp, or how about the time I forgot to put salt in the bread and didn't know it until I had already sent it home with the missionaries??? Poor little boys!) and I'm considered pretty good in the kitchen. (Well, DH tells me I am. ;D)
Tara-
This sounds like a page out of my cooking diaries. Way to put it all out there and help some feel better, others feels worse. I think we've got the same granite from what I can see under your lovely loaves. As far as seducing your bread, well, after what it took to get it here, you brought it into this world, and you can take it out however you want :)
I think I just wet myself over your post, Tara! :) You are a domestic goddess--you look fabulous (show that bread who's boss) as does your bread! Way to put the rest of us to shame :)
Grinding wheat and baking bread? I am too impressed for words. I love good bread. Usually the only way I can get it is to scamper over to Great Harvest. Sometimes I will make it in the bread maker but that is it. You were seriously cracking me up. I am forever leaving key ingredients out too.
I'll chalk this temporary insanity up to your calling. If you want to join me and the other mormon loser wives, meet us at the bread aisle at Safeway.
(okay, I'll admit. I'm proud of ya!)
I can attest that the bread actually turned out great! We had it for toast this morning. Good job Tara!
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